I officially didn't get the job at the public library in Cincinnati. I'm not shocked and not too upset by this. I think the drive into downtown five days a week would drive me bonkers.
The past few days have brought a return of the tightness in my chest that I can't shed. I had this problem for the first few weeks after the loss. It's almost painful and causes my breath to catch every so often. I know it's just blind rage and sadness that are hovering there, and I know I have been a bear to live with. I also know that this isn't healthy. I have decided that if this month's treatment fails, I'm going to ask my doctor to up my anti-depressant dose or switch me to a different medication. I know, I know. I shouldn't try to "fix" anything with medication, but since our insurance doesn't cover therapy sessions and my social anxiety makes the thought of going to a support group unbearable, I have to do something. I am so sick of feeling like this. I can tell my husband is doing just about as well as I am, seeing as how we're both so snippy and mean with each other over the stupidest things. We are never like that, and I vowed to never be that couple. However, stress, anger, sadness, and desperation are a poisonous combination. I do not want to go down this road. I don't want to get a divorce over fertility treatments (this happens more often than you might think). Our relationship wasn't broken by our loss, and I'll be damned if it's broken by fertility treatments. Like I said, one more failed cycle might be our limit right now.
Anyway, there is another babyloss mama on here who brought my attention to a wonderful organization in her latest post. It's called Teeny Tears. (Thank you so much for posting about this, Lindsey!) They make flannel diapers for micro-preemies and preemies and then distribute them to hospitals. The main operation is based out of Utah, but they encourage people from all over to help out. Meaning, I can take the pattern and instructions they have on their website and make some diapers to give to area hospitals (or send to Utah for them to distribute). I think this is absolutely awesome. I know a lot of people donate crocheted hats and blankets for babies who die, but I think adding a diaper is great. Because I didn't see my babies, I'm not sure if they had on anything more than hats (hubby is so traumatized that he can't remember), but it is my assumption that they were naked. This is one of my biggest regrets (besides not being woman enough to frickin' see and hold my children), and I so wish I would have at least ordered some micro-preemie clothes from the internet so my babies didn't spend their whole time outside of the womb with nothing on. It breaks my heart. Since I don't have a sewing machine (and am useless on one, anyway), I would like to invite all of my wonderful readers to help me out. I know of a couple of family members who would probably be willing to do the sewing part for me, but I would love it if I could get some donations of flannel in different colors and patterns. Understandably, we're cash-strapped right now since I don't have a job and we're paying for our treatments out of pocket, but I would love to have something to do in order to make even the tiniest difference for someone who is where I was six months ago.
Even if the diaper thing doesn't pan out like I want it to, I know that I want to start donating something, anything to area hospitals to give to fellow babyloss parents. There were things that we received when we lost our babies that were donated by others in honor of their children (I still haven't looked through these things, so I'm not exactly sure what's there) that I know I will appreciate deeply for the rest of my life. These people made it so we didn't leave the hospital completely empty-handed, and I want to contribute to these efforts while honoring my children. If anyone wants to help, please let me know!
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