Thirty-four

I could use happy thoughts lately. If you're inclined to pray, I would appreciate that too.

I was in such a sad mood yesterday, and that's flowed over to today. I feel absolutely discouraged at this point. I know that miracles can happen and I haven't even been inseminated yet (so I should be thinking positive thoughts), but I am at the point where I am convinced that I'm not allowed to be happy. I'm sure I sound like a broken record, but I am so sick of the universe shitting on me.

There have been two times in my life when I felt truly happy. The first time was the first two months I was dating my husband. I had just gotten my first job and my license. I was surrounded by friends, and my social life was rockin. My family had never been better. Then BAM. My mom dropped dead. (For those who don't know, I was extremely close to my mom.) I was only 21 and still needed her and now she was gone. This launched me into a pit of despair that I have never been able to fully climb out of. My world was shattered. I dropped a bunch of my friends and withdrew from my family. I just couldn't face my old life and many people didn't understand that I was forever changed. It was easier to hide and turn into this awkward mess I still am today.

As the years passed since my mom died, I was able to piece my world back together somewhat. I was able to finish undergrad, get married, start graduate school, and buy a house. My life was becoming "normal," but I was still carrying around this sadness. Not only was my mom missing from my life, but so was a child I so wanted to love and raise.

Jump forward to last year. The second time in my life that I was truly happy was when I was pregnant. We were FINALLY going to have our dream. Hubby kept commenting on how much happier I seemed. While I spent my whole pregnancy fearing my babies would die (how appropriate!) and fearing the idea of caring for my babies pretty much on my own for a few months before I could get any help, I was so, so excited. I was past the halfway point in my pregnancy and genuinely believed that we were in the "safe zone" and would be bringing two perfect little ones home in a few months time. Then for no reason whatsoever, my cervix decided to dick us over and my babies died. My world shattered again. This time, I think it has turned into dust, and I will not be able to piece it back together at all. In the six months since our loss, I have had absolutely no desire to leave my house. I despise pretty much everyone. I am so mean and angry and just wish that something good could come my way.

I know that's a joke, though. I am so afraid that these treatments won't work. I am more afraid that they will and the rug will be pulled out from under me again. I can't think of anything worse than going through another loss like this. Like I said, I am discouraged. I wish I could just jump forward a few years and see where I am. I want so badly to be happy and hope the universe starts cooperating.

Anyway, sorry for my rant. I'm just so cranky and needed to get that off my chest.

There are a couple of positives this week. I passed my other Praxis exam and only need to finish up my portfolio before next Tuesday in order to graduate and get my teaching license. The other positive is that I finally heard back from one of the schools to which I've applied. I don't have an interview yet and may not get one at all, but at least there was some contact! The HR director just called to ask me a few questions and then told me he'd call me if the position isn't filled internally. That one's only a part time school librarian position that's a little over an hour away. I figure I'll take anything at this point and am really hoping for an interview soon.