Thirty-two

Today marks half a year since we said goodbye to our son and my pregnancy ended.

Half a year of tears and frustration. Half a year of my heart being completely shattered. Half a year of losing all hope for a happy future. Half a year of trying to keep myself together even though I feel like falling apart at any given moment.

I'll be honest. I have always been one who has wanted sons. I never wanted a daughter out of fear that she would take after me. I can't stand being tall, having big feet, being sweaty, and having bad hair (and excessive body hair). Seeing as how my hubby is a big guy, I just never wanted to impart these genes on a girl. (Of course, my attitude changed when I was actually pregnant with a girl.) When I found out Liam was a boy, I was over the moon. He was going to be my little man. My buddy. He would be rough and tumble and would always be protecting his sister. Judging from my ultrasounds, he was also going to be pretty funny. He was always hamming it up for us. Out of the two babies, he was the one who really let his personality shine. Mady was stubborn and would stand her ground, but Liam was hilarious. Always flipping around and pushing his sister out of the way so we could see him.

It's funny because the Social Security Administration released the most popular names of last year. Liam was number 15. (Madelyn was number 79.) I would NEVER name a child a name in the top 100 because I just think it would totally suck to have the same name as five people in the same class. Of course, knowing that I was going to be giving birth to babies who were definitely going to die gave me some liberties with this. It kills me because Liam is not our little boy's name. It is only a name that was pulled out of thin air so we could keep the name we were planning for a future child (though we've pretty much decided not to use that name because it was his name. We should have just gone with it.). However, I have fallen in love with the name and am glad that our boy got such a strong name.

Anyway, I mentioned this rose on Mady's half-birthday. Today, it is in full bloom. I just hate that Liam's rose bush doesn't even have any buds on it yet. Oh well, I think this is beautiful enough for both of them. Like I said before. Perfect timing.

 

Happy half-birthday, baby boy. We love and miss you so very much.