Right Where I Am 2012: 6 months, 1 week, 2 and 4 days
My grief comes in waves. Some days I am fine, others I am crazy with sadness. Today, I'm not doing very well. I have been thinking about my babies constantly. I should not have time or a reason to be writing this post. I should be feeding and diapering my twins. I should be smelling their sweet baby smell and looking at their cute little smiles. I should be giving them tickles, hugs, and kisses and rocking them to sleep. Not writing a blog post about how sad and bitter I've become. It is so unfair.
I became overwhelmed by my grief at about one in the morning and e-mailed a couple of companies that keep sending me baby stuff. I went off about how they shouldn't assume every baby lives and that I don't appreciate automatically being signed up for coupons and samples. The response I got? No condolences for my babies being dead. Just a promise that I will be removed from mailing lists sometime in the next three months. Ugh. I know I shouldn't go off on these people, but I am sick of my stomach dropping when I open the mailbox and see these things that I should be using with my twins but I'm not. The fact that I did not personally sign up for these things in the first place is what gets me. Just because I bought some maternity clothes when I was pregnant seven months ago does not mean I want to be receiving baby formula samples and coupons now. And really, would it be too much for these "customer service" people to say a simple "I'm sorry your babies died" when answering my e-mails? It's just been one of those days...
My husband and I have been total nerds and are watching Battlestar Galactica (his idea. I don't pay attention half of the time.). We're almost done with it now, but there have been a couple of instances of "miracles" involving kids. One was in the episode we watched last night. A four year old boy was near death because of viral encephalitis (swelling of the brain that can't be cured). Gaius Baltar prayed for him, and suddenly he got better. Hubby and I just kind of scoffed. There were SO many people praying for our children, but they died. Hubby and his mom were praying right up until the end, but God didn't spare my children. I am so sick of TV shows showing that if you want something bad enough and pray hard enough, it will happen. I know, I know. Baltar has something to do with God, so they were just playing on that. But damn it, I just don't get it. I am still stewing about it today. I am not looking forward to when we get further into the season because a Cylon gets pregnant and miscarries at 18 weeks. They name the baby Liam. I am going to lose it.
Speaking of the name Liam... I was talking to my sister-in-law a couple of days ago, and she was talking about all the "weird" names people are naming their kids these days (she's a nurse in a hospital). One that she mentioned was Liam. It's nice to know that there are people in my family who are not aware of what I named my babies (I guess they fall into the camp of people who don't believe my children were people yet and shouldn't have been named?). I really had to bite my tongue at her comments and am so surprised that I did not go off. I'm still so hurt and angry about this today.
To be honest, I hate myself lately. I am just in a state where I am self-absorbed because I so desperately want to be pregnant again. I want to block out the rest of the world and just focus on me, my husband, and my uterus. I am glad that I am not obligated to see my family again for a couple of months. It is getting way too draining going around them, and quite frankly, I am sick of bawling my eyes out on my drive home.
Like I said a few days ago, I am feeling very discouraged. I resent the fact that I should have two children here with me, and I should be unbelievably happy with my life. Instead, I dread getting out of bed each day. Today, I didn't get up until after 3. That's pathetic. I just hate my two week wait because I am so certain that nothing is coming from these IUIs. I am just let down month after month. Honestly, I don't know how much more I can take. I am almost convinced that I am done after this one. I just can't take being disappointed anymore. Today has brought me twinges in my ovaries, which leads me to believe that my IUI was scheduled too early and I'm ovulating now. (Hubby is stuck at work until at least 10, so there's nothing I can do about it.) Either that or I'm developing a cyst. Yay. I am just so ready to know what's going to happen. I'm hoping that when I participate in this project next year, I have happier things to say. I wish I could just jump ahead and see.
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