Forty-nine

 

Those are the two pictures the doctor printed for us yesterday. The bottom one shows the heartbeat on the right side, but the doctor was kind of late on catching the picture, and this was when he was starting to lose it (it's hard to keep such tiny embryo heartbeats on ultrasound). Not as great as our first pictures of the twins, but still pretty cute.

I can say that I am feeling a lot more positive that things are going to work out this time. Sure, I don't want to get my hopes up, but I'm thinking as positive as I can. I even gave one of my sisters permission to buy a crib from one of her friends. That's a HUGE deal, seeing as how I only allowed myself to buy clothes for the twins. Hubby and I are not seeing eye-to-eye on this whole situation. He still has himself guarded (I understand) and kind of freaked out when I mentioned the crib. He doesn't want ANY baby stuff in the house until I am past 24 weeks, but I want to go ahead and start buying stuff so we don't have to panic at the last minute. I carry a lot of guilt because we didn't really buy things for the twins, and I don't want to repeat that. Plus, there's a good chance that I will be on strict bedrest for most of this pregnancy, so I want to have a say when it comes to baby things and the nursery. As much as I love my husband, he is clueless about babies and would probably decorate the nursery with Star Wars or something equally as nerdy (which is especially awkward because I am positive this is a girl).

As an illustration of my positivity, I started researching cloth diapering again. I abandoned that idea when I was pregnant with twins (I have never experienced cloth diapers and didn't want to be overwhelmed with two babies at once), but now there's only one, I am entertaining the idea. Because there's a larger up-front cost for those than for disposable diapers, I need to try to get my husband on board with buying the supplies little-by-little so we can be stocked up. And no, cloth diapers these days are not what they used to be. Actually, the brand I'm looking at has the option of using disposable liners that can be flushed down the toilet. They are way more biodegradable than traditional disposables, and I just think cloth diapers are way cuter. Mother-in-law, I know you were confused by this when I brought it up a long time ago, so here's the website for that particular brand.

I really don't want this post to come back and bite me in the ass. I don't want to come across as naive about the situation by being so positive and letting my guard down enough to connect with this baby and do things for it. I definitely am not naive. I know there's no "safe zone" in pregnancy. Even though we saw and heard a heartbeat, I could still miscarry. I might find out this baby has a fatal defect and won't survive pregnancy or birth later on. I might get preeclampsia or HELLP syndrome and have to deliver or die, no matter how far along I am. The cerclage might fail. The cerclage might work but the baby might die during birth. I am all too aware of every negative scenario that can happen between now and February. These are the thoughts that are looming in my head, and as hard as I try, I can't get rid of them. I know too much. Regardless, I want to make every day count and be excited about the prospect of having a happy, healthy baby next year.