After being incredibly uncomfortable and crampy all day yesterday, I started spotting today. It's crazy because I haven't felt this way before a period in probably ten years. I'm talking major backache, pains shooting down my legs, and constant uterine aches and pressure. I know I'm not officially out of the game until I have a steady flow, but it's not looking hopeful.
The real kicker is the fact that yesterday and today, I got a very, very faint positive. Like, the lines were so light that I was convinced I have line eyes, but when the tests dried, there are definitely faint lines there. Since I have a whole day of stark white negatives the day of my last post, I'm thinking that either these tests are giving me evaporation lines or I had a chemical pregnancy. Oh well, on to month three... (I think I'm going to have hubby lock my pregnancy tests in his gun safe next month so I can't test until my period is late. This obsessive testing can't be good.)
It's been a tough couple of days. Waiting for my period has had me pretty depressed, and then the neighbors went for their anatomy scan yesterday (they're having a girl, by the way) and then stopped by hubby's work (she works there, too). He came home and was pretty upset from seeing them, even though they were smart enough to not talk to him about the ultrasound. Regardless, it is so hard for me to see him so down. I know it's not my fault he's so sad all the time, but it kind of is because my body isn't doing what it's supposed to and he so badly wants to be a father. Today isn't looking much better for him, as he keeps texting me about how much he wants to move far away. Oh, and when I was at my class last night, these two women next to me were complaining about their accidental pregnancies and having to go to their kids' sporting events. Ugh. I got so angry I almost cried. I am seriously considering making up a shirt that says "My babies are dead and I can't have any more. Quit your complaining." I think a shirt like that would keep people from talking to me or around me and allow me to be the leper I feel I am. I really wish I could move into a cave and be a hermit for a while.
I have a feeling this weekend is going to be hell. Hubby and I were supposed to have two babies this year, and now we're not going to have any. 2013 just doesn't have the same ring to it that 2012 does. Plus, if the Mayans have it right, the world is going to end this year, anyway. Wouldn't that be my luck to get pregnant next month and then have the world come to an end a month before I'm due? I can totally see that happening because obviously we're not allowed to be happy. Anyway, I know this period is going to be a beast, so I think I'll probably be in bed for most of the weekend, crying and watching stupid movies.
Right now, I think I'm just going to throw my hands in the air and not put myself on all these restrictions. I am going to drink some alcohol and caffeine this week. I'm going to eat a cupcake. I'm going to work out as much as I want. I need to blow off some steam or I'm going to lose my shit. At least if this next cycle fails, I can have my Zoloft dose raised. Yay, happy pills.
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