Nineteen

For some reason, the five month mark is hitting me especially hard. Sure, the first four were bad, but this is too close to half a year for me. I was able to distract myself some on Monday when it was five months since Madelyn was born and died, but I'm alone today and am unsuccessful in distracting myself from thinking of Liam and what should be. I miss my babies so much and am absolutely terrified that I am on the brink of them being gone longer than they were even here. By six months, we will be at that point. It's amazing to think that two little people that I only knew for five and a half months could change me and my life completely.

As much as I'm trying to keep the negativity away during this cycle, it's hard. I feel desperate and hopeless. Hubby texted me earlier with a list of foods that are supposed to increase sperm count and he declared that's all he's eating for the next two weeks. If only things could be fixed that easily. Knowing that he is as desperate as me is definitely not helping my morale. We are struggling more and more with each day that I'm not pregnant, but we've both just lost all hope that we will have any living children in the near future. The pressure during this cycle is so much worse than our third cycle last time. While I had lost hope at that point, the stakes were not the same. We hadn't achieved our goal and then had it fall out from under us. I was merely going to go back on birth control pills and then try again later. I would focus on my career instead and that would be that. Right now, I NEED to be pregnant. I had gotten to the point of feeling them move around and getting to know their personalities, but I never got the chance to really know my babies. As quick as they were here, they were gone forever. I had two children who I so badly want to be raising right now. I want to be considered a mother in everyone's eyes instead of just the eyes of other parents in the babyloss community. I want to celebrate Mother's Day instead of having to absolutely dread it (I asked husband if I can celebrate "dead mother's day" since my mom is dead and I am a mother to two dead babies. He didn't like that question.). I really don't have the same kind of attitude that I did last time. I can't just give up and move on, but I have a feeling that I will have to in a few weeks.

Our talks at this point are turning to adoption. Ever since we've been together, we agreed that we will adopt, preferably after we have a couple of children of our own. Adoption has always been in our plan. However, we are not even close to being in a financial situation that would even make adoption possible. I refuse to look at adoption as a fallback plan in the case that we can't get pregnant again. It's just bumping our plans up. Regardless, it absolutely breaks my heart that it might be years before we can welcome a child into our home.