IUI went okay today. Husband's count was absolutely atrocious, but motility and quality were great. His count was only 10% of what it was the month I got pregnant. The doctor said it was still a great number, but I have a feeling he says that to everyone. Like I've said before, I'm not hopeful. I am still trying not to cry about how incredibly pathetic we both performed this month. I think our bodies know that this is more important than it's ever been and are sabotaging us.
I saw the neighbors when I took the trash out today. That's the first time I've seen them or even acknowledged them since December. I immediately came inside and puked. I can't wait to move. I can't handle the stress I feel from even seeing their faces. God, I'm a horrible person sometimes.
Bleh. Crappy day.
2 comments:
Hi there,
I found you through your FOLFOH story posted today. I'm a volunteer story poster for the site but haven't submitted my own story yet...I, too, am an infertile baby loss mama to fraternal twins. They were our first pregnancy after 3.5 years of IF and 10 months working with our RE and were due 2/1/12, although would have (should have) come no later than 1/18/12). We conceived them via back-to-back IUIs with mini-Lupron, Menopur and trigger, and lost them on August 5, 2011 at 14w2d after our daughter's sac ruptured. We have since had 2 failed cycles and are just two days from starting stims for our 2nd IVF. In my case, I had a polyp in my cervical canal that bled for nearly 7 solid weeks, which ruined my mucus plug, let infection up to my babies, which started preterm labor, which ruptured Aliya's amniotic sac.
It's been 8 months and a lot of acupuncture and counseling later (I was diagnosed, finally, with mild- to moderate PPD in Feb.) and we're truly emotionally ready to be pregnant again. I understand that *knowing* that a cycle didn't work...although I was certain I wasn't pregnant the month I conceived the twins.
I'm sending you lots of peace and hope this cycle, and even more if you get the BFN you're expecting. Do try to be careful with the negative self-talk...it'ms so hard to correct the damage that does to our subconscious minds. :(
By the way...I did see and hold my babies, and I *know* that Madelyn and Liam were beautiful.
Hugs to you...
Amy,
I am so sorry for your loss and your infertility struggle. I wish none of us had to go through this pain and frustration.
I have been trying to be more positive. It's hard sometimes, especially when I feel like I am some sort of leper. This kind of loss really does mess with your mind.
As a side note, I was convinced the cycle that I conceived hadn't worked, as well. I had even gone so far as to research birth control pills to go on after that cycle. Maybe completely giving up is the key to this whole thing. Like my husband said, we'll survive if this cycle doesn't work but will have the most amazing surprise if it does.
Thank you so much for your comment and your kind words. I will be keeping you and your babies in my thoughts, and I hope you receive your rainbow baby soon.
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