Nine

Well, the gluten-free diet plan has already been ruined. The neighbors (my husband's best friends) made their pregnancy "facebook official" today. We found out about the pregnancy about a month and a half after we lost the twins, and I had a nearly complete emotional breakdown. (I'm talking banging my head against the wall and hoping I would die followed by hours upon hours of crying.) Don't get me wrong, I am incredibly happy for them. They are two of the nicest people I know and they are going to be amazing parents. I just can't handle other people being pregnant, especially people right next door to me. The world has kept going and other people have way better luck than I do, and this fact makes me sick to my stomach (literally). I thought that I was coping with their pregnancy pretty well the past few weeks, but this just sucked all of the air out of me. I immediately went to a local bakery and bought a cookie and brownie. Now I feel guilty. I really wish I would have listened to my hubby when we were house hunting and would have gone somewhere out in the middle of nowhere so I could be as isolated physically as I feel emotionally.

Speaking of... I had to go to the OB/GYN yesterday to have blood drawn for a thyroid check, and there was only one other woman in the waiting room who wasn't pregnant. What's worse is that two of the pregnant ladies were actually bitching about their pregnancies. One was bitching about having to wear maternity clothes. Oh. my. God. I don't know how I managed to keep my mouth shut. I was flabbergasted. These women are so, so lucky to even be pregnant and they have the balls to sit there and bitch about it! Even when I was pregnant, I don't recall one time when I complained. Sure, I felt sick, tired, and achy. But it's a gift and I know that. The ignorance of some people astounds me. I would gladly puke 24 hours a day if that's what it took to have a baby at the end. I WISH I had a reason to wear my maternity clothes again! Ugh. Some women are so stupid.

I also took some time the past couple of days to look at my brother's work on ancestry.com. He has become quite the genealogy buff, and I was intrigued. I had forgotten that my grandmother (my mom's mom) had a stillborn baby girl. I'm not sure of the circumstances, so I can't say that there's any connection, but when I kept looking, baby loss goes back a few generations. The same grandma's mom lost three babies in a row. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but my mom also lost a baby around the same gestational age my babies were (she suffered a placental abruption after a car accident and delivered him at home) and a baby at two months from pneumonia. I know the abruption isn't connected to me, but I just have to wonder about my grandma and my great-grandma. I wish that I had someone to ask, but they're all dead.

Wow. What a cheerful post! The point of this was to get some stuff off my chest. I am feeling so down right now and am hoping and praying I've responded well to my meds and can go ahead with my IUI this week. Keep your fingers crossed.