This has been weighing heavily on me lately. Not just the fact that the twins have been gone in the time a normal person has a full-term pregnancy or the fact that I'm only three short months from the one year mark. It's the fact that I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt. I feel like I'm not grieving enough anymore. I know this topic has been covered on other people's blogs or on forums, but I didn't truly understand until now. I am so busy trying to put as much positive energy into this pregnancy and thinking of this baby that I feel like I'm not thinking enough about the twins.
I still love them and miss them as much as ever, but I'm starting to worry that, as much as I don't want it to be, this baby is replacing those thoughts and dreams I used to carry for them. It's that complication of pregnancy after a loss later in pregnancy. I am allowing myself to step out of these dark shadows that have been hovering over me for nine months and actually have hope.
I guess I just need to learn this balancing act between being the mom to dead babies and a living one. At least I hope I get to learn this balancing act and don't become the mom to three dead babies...
I don't mean to contradict what I just said, but as much positivity and hope I may have, the loss I experienced looms over my head on a minute-by-minute basis. As I make my way into the second trimester, I begin to feel the most terrified I've ever felt. I am counting down the weeks until the dreaded 20-24 week period.
The timing of this pregnancy is kind of strange in that I can go by specific dates on the calendar, except this time it's a month earlier. I went into the hospital at 20w1d on November 1st. We lost Mady on November 16th and Liam on the 18th. This time, 20w1d is October 1st, which leads me to fear October 16th and 18th. The anxiety is already unbearable. I know October is going to be hell for me. Either I'm going to end up in the hospital, or I'm going to be worried about every twinge I feel, thinking that I'm having a repeat performance and this baby is doomed. Hubby already said that if I feel anything strange, he's rushing me to the hospital, even if that means I'm there every day. It especially sucks because my birthday falls during the 23rd week. Watch me make it that far and have a loss on my birthday. I wish I could just skip to November and viability.
I know I've cryptically touched on this before, and I don't want to go into too many specifics now. The fact of the matter is that two people in my family are pregnant and due within six weeks of me. I am overjoyed to be an aunt yet again (times two), but this situation has hurt my morale so, so much and has sent me back into a depressed state. Since I am at the greatest risk out of the three of us of losing a baby, I am convinced that I WILL lose this baby and then have to figure out how to live with my family with two babies that are only a month younger than this baby is supposed to be. On the flip side, what if one of their babies doesn't make it? How am I going to deal with the sadness and guilt I'd feel when they had to be around my child, knowing how much it hurts to lose and be around babies? My last loss has been so hard on me that I don't know what I would have done if someone close to me would have had a baby in March or April of this year. I probably wouldn't be hanging on at all at this point. I feel like I'm walking on a tight rope with no safety net. If something bad happens to any of these babies, I feel like I'm going to be a gooey, splattered mess on the concrete.
Ugh. I wish the doctors were willing to put me in a medically-induced coma, hanging upside-down like a bat until February. I know that sounds ridiculous, but at this point, I wish I could just sleep through the rest of this. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to skip this fear and worry and awaken with a healthy baby in your arms?
Okay. I'm sorry this is so long and probably doesn't make much sense. I just had to have some word vomit on here to try to get some thoughts out of my head.
See you tomorrow for the weekly update.
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