Fifty-six

I honestly feel bad for my husband and all these dang dogs this week.

I am cranky, irritable, frustrated, and pretty much every other negative thing I can be.

The further I get into this pregnancy, the more anxiety I feel. The more I am certain this is going to end the same way as last time. It's possible that ten weeks from now, I will be in a hospital bed with my feet up in the air, unable to even sit up. I will be biding my time, waiting to deliver a baby that's going to die. I am going so far as to start compiling a list of things to pack in a hospital "bug-out" bag in case I'm stuck in the hospital for weeks on end. Last time, we brought nothing with us, and hubby only went home twice (and forgot to grab some things I told him to grab). My in-laws were in charge of buying stuff and bringing it in. If I'm faced with the same situation, I think it would make it at least a tiny bit easier if I had my own things from home there with me. So I'm going to start buying duplicates of my favorite toiletries and hair things and stashing them in a bag. I'll probably start stocking up on some snack foods, too, since the hospital food is horrible and I was catching a lot of grief from the nurses because I wasn't eating enough. I think that once I hit 19 weeks, I'm going to make sure to have this bag packed and put in my car. I hope to not need it, but I'll be glad to have it if I do.

I am trying my hardest to stay calm. It's hard, especially considering some things that are going on in my "real" life that I can't discuss here. There's just a lot more pressure on this pregnancy to be successful. If it's not, there is absolutely no doubt that I will NEED to move to another state in order to maintain at least a little sanity while hubby and I travel down the road to adoption. I won't be able to be around my family. I'm even toying with the idea of taking the rest of the year off from them to prepare myself. (This might be made easier if I do reach a point that I am on bed rest at home.) Honestly, one of the hardest things I encountered when I lost the twins was the fact that my nephew was so excited about the babies and then my sister had to explain that another two family members died. He's six and has already been surrounded by the concept of death multiple times. It breaks my heart to think he'll become attached to this one and have the same outcome. As much as I want to celebrate this baby's life, no matter how short it may be, I feel like I'm unable to do so with my family. There are too many of them and too many factors that I can't even go into here. I don't even feel comfortable having a baby shower, even though I desperately want one. However, seeing as how I only have a couple of friends, I think it would be a pretty pathetic and pointless party. Again, I am very lucky to have my in-laws. There's only three of them and there aren't the same complications with that family that there are in mine.

I found out that my new insurance will cover 25 therapy sessions a year. As soon as it kicks in, I am going to take advantage of that. It's just a matter of finding someone who specializes in grief or baby loss. I don't want to go to someone who can't help me and will just give me generic responses. I need to work though all of this stress, anxiety, sadness, and everything else I'm feeling. I came to the realization that I can't do this alone. Also, if I lose this one, I've already told my husband that I want to be committed because I will probably try to hurt myself. I know me, and I know that I am dangerously close to my breaking point. Losing another child will undoubtedly send me over the edge.

Anyway. Debbie Downer needs to get out of here.

As for symptoms, the nausea has finally hit me. This is about the time it went away last time. I thought I was going to avoid it, but I guess not. It's worse at night, so at least I get to sleep through most of it. I'm hoping it doesn't last until the end. Oh well, at least this will help me keep my weight gain in check.

I'm also dealing with having a horrible taste in my mouth all day long. I never had this before, and it's not helping the nausea any. I've tried everything. Listerine, gum, a tongue scraper (that was torture, seeing as how my gag reflex is in full-force). Nothing works. Again, I hope this is only temporary.

Here's a happy little story to finish off this post. A couple of nights ago, my husband actually had a dream about this baby. To my knowledge, he never dreamed about the twins. Maybe he did, but he never mentioned it. In this dream, we had a little boy who we named Leopold. (No, that will not be his name. I think hubby honestly likes the name, but I will not be naming a baby after Butters from South Park.) He even said the kid had red hair just like him. I am hoping that this dream is a good sign. He's in the mindset that we'll be bringing a baby home, and I am so thankful that he is being positive enough for both of us. Lord knows one of us needs to stand strong and truly believe that something good is coming our way.